Humble Beginnings

I'm a stay at home dad...

It's a phrase that doesn't roll off the tongue naturally, not like housewife or homemaker does.  It isn't necessarily what I thought I would be when I imagined my future family as a young man, though I confess I didn't envision myself as the suit wearing, hair parted to the right, sedan driving businessman with a white picket fenced home and Stepford wife either.

I didn't have a plan really, I just assumed it would work itself out and that my future wife and children would be the central part of what was sure to be a beautiful and fulfilling adventure into fatherhood and middle age.

So here I am - thirty five (already?!) with three amazing, unique sons (arrows in my quiver a friend once noted with a scriptural reference) a wife I'm lucky to have and the opportunity to be THE biggest influence on our children's lives during their most formative years.

No pressure, right?

It's easy to analyze everything I do and/or say and find faults and mistakes, but as with anything else I think the most important thing about being a good parent is taking each day and each moment and doing my very best in that moment because my children deserve the very best from me.  The kicker with that thought process is that while it's easy to say, it's much more difficult to do - especially factoring in our all too human emotions. 

What I've come to understand is that there is value in our children seeing us being human and not having it together all the time.  Even if we have regrets about what we've said and/or done in those moments, as long as we approach the subjects honestly with them after the fact (and learn to apologize when you're wrong as a parent) it teaches them that they don't have to have it all together all the time either. 

Careful though, if you let your emotions get the best of you and lose control it teaches them that the way to deal with heightened emotion is to give in to it and lose control as standard operating procedure.  I think it's much better to teach them healthy ways of processing and digesting their emotions and dealing with the results honestly while they are young rather than trying to unlearn these behavioral flaws when they are teens.  

One of the saddest things I see as an adult is when other adults display behavior we discipline our children for and have to explain it to my children:

A couple weeks ago I was driving my son to school just like every other morning with his two baby brothers along for the ride.  A few minutes into the trip we happened to be driving behind a man in a minivan who decided that swerving left and right in our lane like a Nascar driver waiting for the caution flag to turn green on a restart was the best way to deal with the car in front of him driving slower than he wanted to go.  Samson asks me, "Why is that guy driving crazy daddy?" and I say, "I think he doesn't like the way the guy in front of him is driving and sometimes when people get mad they do silly things.".  Samson chuckles to himself and says, "That guy must be REALLY mad because he's driving REALLY silly!".  I just smile and shake my head as the cars in front of me come to a stop light in the right hand turn lane while 'mad, silly guy' starts to gesture with his hands and mutter/yell to himself about it.

The car in front of 'mad, silly guy' turns right and out of the picture, I'm still shaking my head as I wait for this guy to turn right so that I can make the same right and be on my way.  Then I notice he's turning back looking at me, still yelling and gesturing and directing his anger at me for shaking my head.

I raise my arms up in the air and shrug and then point to the right, signaling to him I don't know what the problem is but I just want to go where I'm going.  He gets infuriated and starts screaming and flailing his arms even more, my adrenaline kicks in and I'm expecting to have to deal with a guy jumping out of his car and coming to fight.

A few seconds later he peels out and makes his turn, I make mine and I drive past him ignoring his tantrum.  Samson asks me, "Daddy why was that guy yelling at you?", this time I say "He's just having a bad day and throwing a temper tantrum.  I hope you never act like that when you're old enough to drive, that's just too silly for a Morris boy."  He answers, "I won't.".  We arrive at school a couple minutes later, say our goodbyes and are off into the day unharmed but with a colorful lesson.

That guy obviously never learned how to process or react to his emotions in a healthy way - something as insignificant as driving a few ticks slower than he wanted to drove him into a rage that he couldn't escape, definitely not the best he could've done in that moment.

Not to say that I've never had colorful language for another driver on the road, but I generally save that for when somebody does something dangerous and my family's safety is compromised.  I couldn't help but feel sorry for this guy with road rage and be thankful that I'm not prone to losing control.

Being as honest with my sons as I am with myself and my wife and having the ability to admit mistakes and apologize for them gives me great confidence in my parenting philosophy, and subsequently the development of my children into healthy, thoughtful, intelligent and independent young men.

Nothing worthwhile happens accidentally, it requires effort and intentional thought - applying this sort of thinking to parenting will hopefully enrich the experience for my children, my wife and myself as we grow together.

How's that for humble blog beginnings?

NJM